A love letter to my daughter

Dear Mila

Four years ago at 5h10am, after 27 hours of labour and a failed epidural, I gave birth to a miracle- that miracle was you.

My heart almost stopped beating when your limp and tired body was taken from mine.  The nurse was instructed by the doctor to rub you in order to get you to cry.  Hot tears flowed down my cheeks as they suctioned your nose to get you to breath.  When they handed you back to me, your naked skin on mine, I knew my life was changed forever.

You are the delight of my heart.  Each moment I look into your flawless face and dark brown eyes, I stand in awe of a God that is a God of purpose, of intention.  He searched you and he knew you even before you were conceived.  He knew that one day He would create a child that was so full of passion and desire to love and be loved.  A sensitive soul with an inquiring mind.  A creative genius who would one day think up ideas others never had, a child who would hear the whispers of Heaven and follow their trail toward greatness.  His eyes saw your unformed body and he mapped out your days in His book, even before any of them came about.

Then, in a secret place, when the time was perfect He began His work, His masterpiece.  He had planned everything to perfection.  He knew exactly what to do.  He knitted you together in my womb and spoke words of life, blessing and praise as He pondered over the joy you would one day bring, immeasurable, unquenchable joy to all around you.  He saw His work and beamed with pride at how wonderful you are, how fearfully and wonderfully you had been created.  He then spoke and said, “Her name must be Mila Grace, which means favoured one, covered by the unmerited favour of God.”  He then made a declaration over you that could never be broken and it was this:

” I have searched you Mila, and I know you, I will know when you sit and when you rise, I perceive all of your thoughts from afar.  I discern your going out and your lying down; I will be familiar with all of your ways.  Before a word is on your tongue, I will know it completely. I will draw you into me on every side and I will always have my hand upon you.  You can’t run away from my Spirit, my thoughts for you outnumber the grains of sand in all the universe.  I will search your heart and know you, I will create in you a pure heart and I will renew a steadfast spirit within you.  You are mine, I will never leave you.  Look to me, my radiant one and your face will never be covered with shame.  You will have choices to make.  I will set before you blessing and curses to choose, but CHOOSE LIFE.  As you make me your delight I will give you all the desires of your heart.  Ask of me and I will make the nations your inheritance, the ends of the earth your possession.  Anything you ask of me, according to my will will be granted.  The price has been paid in full, you are free.  I have called you for such a time as this so go, run free.  I will make your feet like the feet of a deer so that you may reach the very heights of all that I have to offer you.  Do not hold back, Be BOLD and very courageous. Do not be afraid, remember I am with you and I will never leave you nor forsake you.  My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, they are yo give you a hope and a future.  You are mine.   Adventure with me Mila on this journey called life.  It will be wild it will be good.”

We love you more than words could ever express and we praise God for giving us the privilege of raising you as our daughter.  It is a job we do not take lightly.  We have dedicated you to Him and pray that you would always choose to run free in the paths of His commands, the paths that lead to a life of fullness and joy.

I will love you forever, unconditionally, immeasurably much.

Love Mom

The words of promise from God to us, are taken form the following scripture references: 

Psalm 139, Jeremiah 29:11, Deuteronomy 30:19, Psalm 37:4, Matthew 7:8, Acts 1:8, Psalm 2:8, Galatians 5:1, Esther 4:14, Psalm 18:33, Joshua 1:9, Deuteronomy 31:6
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Mila at only a few days old.  Pic’s taken by my beautiful friend Kristy Carlson.

The Sweet Sound of Grace

The other day my friend posted a quote on instagram that got me thinking.  It said this, “What Sussie says of  Sally says more of Sussie than of Sally”.  Essentially what this is saying is that judgement of a person does not define the person but rather the one doing the judging.

I think that with out realising, I have fallen into the trap of judging others.  But not only am I guilty of judging I am guilty of worrying about the judgement of others toward me.  I often become consumed at the thoughts of others that I am left maimed, with time wasted and the life sapped from me like a moaning child would sap it’s mothers strength.

I know nothing except what everyone knows.

If there when grace dances, I should dance” 

– W.H. Auden

Here are some of my thoughts surrounding the notion of grace and judgement.

1. “Hurting people hurt people”.  If I am judging others it means that there is hidden hurt, emptiness or issues in me.  Perhaps it’s jealousy, insecurity, selfishness- whatever it is, being ungracious toward others will only harm me.

2. People are far too busy worrying about themselves to remember my issues.  We think that people care about our issues but they are actually far more concerned about their own.  There’s no point in being consumed with worry over what others might think.

3.  If I was perfect then I would have no need for God or growth as a person.  Striving for perfection and feeling like a failure when I don’t attain it is exhausting.  Expecting perfection in others is unrealistic.

4. Not everyone is going to like me. If we were all the same and had all the same interests and passions life would be very boring.

5.”A rich mans heart may be under a poor man’s coat”- Scottish Proverb.  Each person has their own point of reference, their own set of parents, strengths, weaknesses their own struggles.

Oh momentary grace of mortal men,

which we more hunt for than the grace of God.

– William Shakespeare

I once read a beautiful book called “Whats so Amazing About Grace” by Philip Yancey.  I will never forget the opening story.  It was about a prostitute he encountered that was renting out her two-year-old daughter to men interested in kinky sex as an attempt to support her drug habit.  Her child could earn more in an hour than what she could in one night.  This woman had hit absolute rock bottom and had nowhere to turn, she was asked, “why didn’t you go to the church for help?”  Her response was that of naive shock, “Church!” she cried, “why would I ever go there?  I was already feeling terrible about myself, they would only make me feel worse”.  In the bible Jesus was where the sinners would run to for grace, for forgiveness, for a second chance.  It is sad that nowadays some who are in the darkest, most sinful places feel that the church is the last place they would want to run to when in fact Gods heart is for the lost and broken, those needing grace the most.

Oh how I long to hear the sweet sound of grace both in the church and in my own life.